You smell like stripper and shame
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
