it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
