Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
