Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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