seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
