I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
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