On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
