If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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