alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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