Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
