I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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