Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
