I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
