i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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