dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Less talking, more tequila
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
