So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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