so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
