Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
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