I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
