I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
