my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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