I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
