We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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