Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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