oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
