Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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