Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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