I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
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