i can't believe i had my finger in that
It was confusing and full of hummus
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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