I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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