this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
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My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
There's always time for handjobs
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
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Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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