Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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