I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
