This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
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every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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