I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
