What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
do herpes really smell.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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