someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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