I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
