the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
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I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
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You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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