Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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