i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
