So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
