Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
