Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
