he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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