His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
zippers are such a cool invention
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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