Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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