"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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