I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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