Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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