I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
