WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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