My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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