i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
