No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
