Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
