she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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