I wanna passion pit in your ass
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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