Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
