If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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