I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
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Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
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I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
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