even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
