I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
